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Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Writer/Curator/Founder of The Autism Acceptance Project. Contributing Author to Between Interruptions: Thirty Women Tell the Truth About Motherhood, and Concepts of Normality by Wendy Lawson, and soon to be published Gravity Pulls You In. Writing my own book. Lecturer on autism and the media and parenting. Current graduate student Critical Disability Studies and most importantly, mother of Adam -- a new and emerging writer.

“There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.” -- Baruch Spinoza

Friday, March 09, 2007


My Heart Will Go On

Some days, like everyone, I get frustrated. I must admit I have a little more on my plate these days – my mother’s recent surgery and now more bad news. Facing a parent’s mortality is just sad. I don’t want to go into details here to honour her privacy. Everyone in my family is away, except my mom, Adam and I.

Adam is frustrated. The winter is now too long. The ice on the streets too prohibitive. We await the melting streams of spring.

I used to be a singer. I tried to be a dancer when I was a younger woman. I forget how liberating that can feel. I decided to blast out the music in my kitchen, my dog, my son both needing me, but not really. It was more of a wanting than a needing. Maybe it’s just this mom who feels every call like I interpret the telephone ringing too often – like panic alarms. As I danced and sang like a lunatic in my kitchen, Adam came down stairs with a great big smile on his face. Kiki, the dog, watched with her head cocked to the side. Adam jumped into my arms, and we danced together, melting away our tension. We laughed. He ate breakfast. Life back to normal, but with a lighter heart.

The autism community is filled with so much hurt right now. There are important dialogues happening, but sometimes this can add to the weight of caring for your autistic child. So dance, sing and smile. Celebrate with your child and let it all fall away. Adam loves it.

Song of the morning: "My Heart Will Go On" -- one of Adam's favourites:

Once more, you opened the door,
And you're here in my heart,
And my heart will go on and on.
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on.
We'll stay, forever this way,
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on.


Blogger mcewen said...

Dancing in the kitchen would seem like a good choice at the moment, especially if you have the right company, which you do.
Best wishes

11:13 AM  
Blogger Peggy Lou Morgan said...

Sounds like wonderful therapy for a difficult situation. I love the song.

I can so identify with where you are because we are experiencing the "sandwich generation" in my family too. My husband's stepfather passed aways within hours of my son's discharge from the hospital last April. His Mom is legally blind so he is making regular trips (about 3 hours) to assist with shopping, appointments, etc. My parents are deteriorating rapidly, Dad has multiple medical issues and Mom has dementia. My brother and I are juggling our own familiies and our parents. He has brunt of our parents (in his home)but we are working together as much as possible.

Best regards,

1:48 PM  
Blogger Camille said...

I used to sing and dance to whatever was on the radio, if I liked it, when my kids were little. They saw me dance a lot. I tried to get them to dance with me, but mostly they weren't interested.

It helped me with my mood, for sure.

I have a really bad singing voice, but I like to sing along with my favorites. My kids have put up with mom singing along with the radio in the car a lot, bless them, they didn't usually complain.

I'm sorry things are so harsh with your mom's health. I hope all will go as well as possible, I hope there are only good doctors and care givers involved.

4:01 PM  
Blogger Jennifer said...

Hey Estee,
It's not too late to be a dancer. After being told at age 3 that I was never going to be a dancer, my mother took me out of ballet lessons. But my younger sister became a ballet dancer (almost good enough to be professional) and my 16 year old very into ballet too. So, this year, at age 49, I am taking a class in Modern Dance. I am the oldest by far in the class, but I find it a great stress release, and a whole lot of fun.
Jennifer (older than you!)

4:38 PM  
Anonymous kyra said...

i'm so sorry about your mom, estee. i am sending my best healing vibes her way.

and the dancing! i'm all for it! and that pic is exhilerating!

7:27 AM  
Blogger Sam I Am said...

Sending prayers for you and your mom at this time. Shalom.

10:44 PM  
Blogger MothersVox said...

Turn up the music, turn down the noise of the autism debates. It can be really draining. I was stunned when I wandered into a rhetorical minefield last spring. Ouch ouch ouch. Thinking of you and your mom.

9:50 PM  

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