My Photo
Name:
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada

Writer/Curator/Founder of The Autism Acceptance Project. Contributing Author to Between Interruptions: Thirty Women Tell the Truth About Motherhood, and Concepts of Normality by Wendy Lawson, and soon to be published Gravity Pulls You In. Writing my own book. Lecturer on autism and the media and parenting. Current graduate student Critical Disability Studies and most importantly, mother of Adam -- a new and emerging writer.

“There is no hope unmingled with fear, and no fear unmingled with hope.” -- Baruch Spinoza

Friday, May 02, 2008

 

Things Are Going to Change

As I put my Adam to bed last night, I hated to imagine that I couldn't smell his skin -- still young-smelling -- or feel his soft hair against my face one day. I lay there as he slept, listening to his breath, thinking that I would give anything for him. My love for him is so gigantic that without him, it feels almost meaningless. I would hate to miss is not being around to feel it and see it anymore.

Things are changing so fast, that it feels surreal. It feels a little like when we parents get that first autism diagnosis, but also different because now I don't know what's going to happen to me. With our children, we learn to live with uncertainty, for we MUST find the joy in everyday. And I really, really want to do that now, even if my situation becomes worse. I am one who likes to prepare for everything, even though I am an optimist nevertheless.

Things will change fast, they always do. We can't stop the flow of time. I dedicate this song today to my family. I used to be a musician and a singer in my day. I used to sing in bands, play the piano and I sang and played this song. It is called WINTER and it meant so much to me when I was young, and now its meaning has taken on a slightly different note:

5 Comments:

Blogger Ange said...

love tori amos and this song ... I am just past the age my mom was when she died, my children close to the age of me and my sister when she left us. Being a motherless child, the thought of leaving my children haunts me every day, even when it shouldn't. Much peace and strength to you and your family. For now, I am going to go listen to Cornflake Girl so I stop crying.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Estee Klar-Wolfond said...

When I was young, this song was for my Dad. Today, it's for my husband and son. It's a song about that proverbial "circle of life," really.

It's also a song about a parent loving their child and waiting for the child to love themselves as much as their parents love them. In a world that beats up people who are different, I hope that my son loves himself very much and that my husband realizes (because spouses can be thick headed and tough on each other) how much I love him too.

10:28 AM  
Anonymous Adi said...

I tell you what can never change: nothing can ever change what you have done up to now, these past few years. You have grounded your child for the best future any autistic child can ever wish for. You have listened to the real voices of autism. You have given so many people hope and you have challenged so many fears and overcome. Nothing can change what we did yesterday and today. You have made me cry, too, with that song because we are so afraid for what may come and where those we love, may be one day. But today: you have made it, today, you found joy, today. There will be no regrets for you, I know that. And your son will become a huge spirit one day, an inspiration and a leader. You just hang in there, mark my words.

12:41 PM  
Blogger Estee Klar-Wolfond said...

Wow. I'm truly speechless.

Your words mean a lot to me.

Thank you.

1:30 PM  
Blogger kristina said...

have always loved this song and many others from Little Earthquakes----a title which feels like life and its course, sometimes. Take care and take heart and thanks for reminding me of this song.

7:07 PM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home